Obstacles and Red Tape: What Lies Between You and Your Restraining Order

Kudos to you for beginning to learn the system. I hope this message in a bottle reaches you in plenty of time to help you safely navigate these seas of logistics, legalities, and red tape after applying for a restraining order.

So, you’ve been granted your request for a restraining order. Great work. Keep it up. You have your vessel and your tools, but now you need the hook. That order has to be served and that can present some challenges.

Challenge Number One: Finding Your Stalker.
Sometimes they appear and sometimes they hide. It’s the basic MO of a stalker. I had no address for my stalker. I had no idea where he was living and it was quite possible that he had no home at all. Through creativity and resourcefulness and the help of others, I was able to narrow the casting of my net to two specific, side-by-side addresses. Otherwise known as my best guess. I mentioned in an earlier article that you have to supply an address when applying for an order of protection. If you have nothing to go on, use the last known address you find searching online in the white pages. Now it is up to the Sheriff’s Department to go to that address and attempt to serve the order in person.

Challenge Number Two: Trusting the Process
Trust may be something feeling quite broken inside you at the moment. There is nothing you can do for the next couple days. You will be contacted if and when the order is served within 24–48 hours. Once the stalker is served, they are given the court date you were given to return for the plenary order to become official. At that appearance, the stalker has the option of requesting another court date to plea his case or to accept the terms of the order. I had radio silence.

Challenge Number Three: Participating in the Process

The following is my experience. I will share it here, because I believe there is a lot to learn. So much so, that I will split this into two posts. It should also be noted that, because it is my experience, it is specific to Chicago. I imagine it translates to other cities and counties. If you don’t know, ask. If you still don’t know, ask me and I will ask for you.

The next court date was approaching and I had heard nothing. I could only assume this meant he had not been served. I had no way of knowing if anyone had even tried. If he hadn’t been served by the date set, all may be lost. He can’t be held to the terms of an order he is unaware exists.

A couple days before that court date, some friends visited me at work. We were having a beer across the way. I work on the pier, so the way is only a few steps. None of these friends knew anything about the stalking, the order, the court dates. My stalker walked through the door of the restaurant into the outdoor bar where we were sitting. I saw him and reached for my bag on the ground beneath me. Inside my bag were my phone and my emergency order of protection.

Always carry your order with you. It’s an annoying reminder, but it’s useful in moments like this. You should also leave copies at your place(s) of employment, which would be listed as off limits in the terms. Also consider filing a copy with your landlord or building manager.

When I leaned back up, he was gone. They appear and they hide.

I was already dialing 911 and quietly stood up, left my friends and went looking for him. He had vanished. I eventually found an officer, showed him my order and a picture, then returned to my friends. They had continued their conversation and I inserted my self back into reality.
You are not alone. These types of moments can seem very surreal, as if you are living an alternate reality, invisible to those around you who are unaware. It’s understandable if you don’t want to talk all the time about your stalker. For me, it was largely a “need to know” basis or my closest friend. Something about it made me feel weak. It made me embarrassed as if I were lesser and dumb for “getting myself in this situation.” It doesn’t. That person manipulated and created this situation. Now you are taking it back and he is not respecting or accepting that. You are not at fault or alone. I have to remind myself of this often.

This common reality only lasted minutes, maybe seconds, then he was back. This time my phone was handy. I left my bag. I saw him see me. I saw him see me make the call. He scurried, didn’t run, but didn’t exactly walk either. I stayed a few steps behind and called back to a friend to grab my bag. One grabbed the bag, two followed. It was clear something was wrong. Without question they were a few steps behind me, bag in hand. I was describing to dispatch what my stalker was wearing. When I mentioned his cap, he removed it. He was moving steadily faster. One friend eventually caught up with me to ask if there was something he should do. I explained that I needed to get the police before he reached the end of the pier. My friend asked if he should run ahead and find someone. It was a good idea and I let him know as much.

*Let’s take a quick break for this reminder. Both of these friends were men. There are good men in the world. A lot of them. Most of them, actually. They answer your plea for help. They ask permission to help. They help.*

There was a blockade of security at the end of the pier as my friend returned with an off-duty police officer. The officer read my paperwork to him, had security take pictures of each page. He explained to my stalker the terms of the order and that he had been served and asked us both where we were going. We both said leaving, myself with the caveat that I had to return for the rest of my personal items and friends.

We reconvened with our other friends. We gathered our things. We left. My stalker was waiting across the street. I called the police and he fled.

When I got to court, I was told he had not been served. The next post will explain why. Until then, fair winds and following seas.